On Bravery

I am not what you might consider an “adventurous” person. In fact, one of the first times I knew I was having a panic attack was at base camp on Mt. Shasta (Thanks, JH Ranch..). But, man alive, I want to be brave and courageous and adventurous. It would fit in with the way I want to see myself (see: me attempting to climb a mountain where I had no business being). I like the adventurous girls, or, I’m jealous of them, but I don’t know how to be them. I’m a “go half-way” person, I’m a lazy person. I’m not brave, not really, not in the traditional sense.

I used to be good at pretending to be adventurous. I jumped off the high cliffs. I caught the frogs. I climbed the rocks. I went to Zimbabwe. My anxiety pushed at me when I would do these things, but I was able to suppress it. Well, not in Zimbabwe. In Zimbabwe it suppressed me. Around 17 I got to the point where my anxiety overruled me and I lost my ability to pretend to be brave. I planned to go to India and backed out the day we were supposed to leave. I planned to work at a camp all summer and backed out a week before it began. I planned to go on a backpacking trip around Europe and backed out a month before I would leave. I disappointed a lot of people, lost a lot of money and didn’t know why I couldn’t just GO. I finally got the hint and stopped agreeing to big trips. I only just started to learn how to stop trying to be something I’m not. I’m not a brave girl. I’m a homebody. I’m introverted and get tired and overwhelmed easily. I need some routine and rest. I’m a comfort zone dweller, because my anxiety pushes me around enough that I don’t want to do it to myself too.

I’m working on balance. I’ve vacillated between pushing myself to the brink and complete complacency. I’m hoping to settle somewhere between those two. Moving was a big part of that. For a lot of people, making a move a couple states away would be no big deal. For me, it is world altering. So, maybe I’m not adventurous or super outdoorsy, but maybe that is ok. I’m learning how to be brave where I am. I’m learning how to follow through, how to not be quite so half-way. I’m learning how to be myself. That is the one of bravest things I think we can do. I tried to push myself too far and that didn’t work. I tried to stay safe and comfortable and that didn’t work. My anxiety and depression found me in both places. I could neither out run it, nor hide from it. I can only face it. I can only look at it and try to find out who I am and how to live my life in a way that is healthy for me and glorifying to God. So, take the time with me to figure out where this place is, for the both of us.

I’ve had this quote on the desktop of my laptop for three years.

“Go all the way with it. Do not back off. For once, go all the goddamn way with what matters.”

— Ernest Hemingway, The Complete Short Stories

I want to be brave where it matters. I want to go all the way.